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5 WEIRD THINGS YOU CAN FUCK
Do you feel the
need to masturbate more than once a day? Are you a loner? Are you
single and have unanswered daily needs? Is your girlfriend giving you
the stink eye? Have your hands been your best friends lately and your
starting to get corns and calluses all over them? Have you been
seductively eyeing the pie in the refrigerator and wondering what it
would feel like? Then maybe it’s time you thought up different and amusing alternatives so you can easily take care of that sexual urge
that is eating you up inside and making you crave that warm and tasty
apple pie your sweet old grandmother cooked with love.
If you answered
yes to any or all of these questions then maybe you’re a little
taste of deviant just like
me and you need to experiment with the unknown or you simply need to
find contenders other than your hand to satisfy you naughty nasty
needs. Whatever the case you’re in the right place because I am
here to give you the top 10 weird things you can fuck in your own
home, a friend’s home a hotel room or even your parents’ house.
All of the weird things you can fuck that I am about to share with
you can bring you ultimate pleasure if it’s done right. I of course
am an active fan of anal so if ever you wonder where the inanimate
object goes… in your butt would be the answer.
When thinking of
fucking inanimate objects you need to make sure that you play it
safe. Before inserting you dick into anything weird assure yourself
that there is no chance of infection or uncleanliness and before
Inserting anything up your wazoo I would recommend putting a condom
over it, you wouldn’t want to be explaining to your doctor why you
have wooden shards up your ass now would you?
- SOCK
I used to wonder
why men liked socks so much and then I simply figured it out it was
not a foot thing but more of a dick thing.
Since my vagina
can’t fuck a sock I had never imagined it a possibility before but
now I know how simple and efficient fucking a sock can be unless your
into fore play then you can slide the sock over your hand, have a
meaningless chat tell her she’s beautiful and that there’s no one
else like her and that she is all that you need… who are we
kidding, it’s just a damn sock. So grab that sock (non-wool of
course, unless you into the hard-core
stuff) and grab that dick, slide it in and take care of that
unfinished business you all keep talking about.
Best part about
fucking a sock is there is no clean up. Just add it to the dirty
clothes pile and let your girlfriend/wife/ mother/ cleaning lady wash
it.
- A FEE FEE
If you don’t
know what a Fee Fee is then you don’t know what you are missing.
Once you’ve turned to Fee Fee you can never ever go back. What’s
great about it is of course the fact that the materials for making a
Fee Fee can be found just about anywhere. All you need is a plastic
bag, some warm water and basic knotting skills. I won’t get into
the details of how to make it, simply watch
this video and learn how to do it like a pro in about 20 seconds.
Just know that you can put it between two cushions which unavoidably
means you’ve got more cushion for the pushin.
- GIRLFRIENDS PEARL NECKLACE
So your
girlfriend is being a bitch and isn’t putting out? I’ve got the
solution. Grab that pearl necklace her mama gave her and fuck it
silly. Seriously, the feeling of hard but silky pearls on your wiener
will make you orgasm in no time and I’m willing to bet it won’t
be the only time you’ll be wearing pearls…
- BUBBLE WRAP
Just got a
delivery and don’t know what to do with the bubble wrap except pop
those little fuckers away? STOP! Now you can pop them with your dick!
Just add lube, roll it around your big fat monster and let the
popping begin. I bet those little bubbles have probably never been so
exciting.
- A BALL OF YARN
You’re at your
grandma’s house and just can’t hold it back anymore? There must
be something lying around! Of course there is, there always is. Never
thought a ball of yarn could be for someone else than your cat or
your granny? Wrong! 2$ and you’ve got a fantastic hand replacer for
your self-lovin. Find the middle part, insert man meat, swing back
and forth and let yourself cum into a sea of coloured wool. When
you’re done you can always let it dry and give it to your granny
saying you found it in a thrift shop somewhere.
- CAN OF WORMS
This one is for
the more experienced weird stuff fucker. I suggest you use a mason
jar fill it with worms, put on a condom and believe me the sensation
of all those little critters moving up and about your cock will drive
you insane. It’s a sensation that cannot be reproduced by anything
else and will leave you wondering why the hell you didn’t try it
before.
- SLIPPER
Every household
is bound to have slippers lying around and most of them are fluffy
and comfortable. Imagine slowly sliding your peeper into a soft cozy
slipper and making it twist and turn in pleasure will you fuck it
until you explode all up in its face. That slipper will never be the
same again and every time you’ll look at it only you will know
where it’s really been.
- COCK CONDIMENTS (FOOD)
So many choices
it’s hard to stop at just one. I would start with of course the
melons where you can easily drill
yourself a cock hole or as the more experienced food lover would say
a dick slot, and give the melon a piece of your dirty mind.
You can peel a
banana and use its slippery squishy skin to wrap around your hard
cock and masturbate.
You can also ruin
your childhood and fill a mason jar with mac n cheese, cover with
saran wrap and elastic and fuck it till the cheese pleads you to
stop. If you don’t have mac n cheese, no worries, Spaghetti-O’s
will do the trick.
Wanna try a
different sensation? Grab a bag of peas from the freezer, give it
five minutes to soften up a bit and wrap it around your meatsicle,
push and pull and repeat.
A nice warm,
moist, juicy ham can also be a perfect food to drill a dick slot into
and release all that tension that keeps building up. Just make sure
you don’t put out that same ham at the Easter Brunch.
- COAT RACK
A coat rack can
very easily take care of those anal needs for you. It’s heavy and
stable and usually has the perfect inserting shape. Just grab it, tip
it over and stick it between your legs top part where your ass is and
boom, as easy as that you’ve got a cute and fun anal toy. Next
time your friends take of their coats and hang them you’ll be able
to say you fucked the latter too.
10-
PAPERTOWEL RACK
Yes,
I know you’ve already eyed it suspiciously wondering if it would
satisfy your anal needs…well let me just say this, yes, yes it will
and pretty good too. I of course have experimented a little and my
choice was made a while back when I came across the now non-virgin
stainless steel tear
drop paper towel rack that I am now the happy and proud owner of.
Now that you’ve
had a look and have had the time to think of all these weird and
crazy things you can fuck, I’m sure you are already imagining what
else you could un-virginise in the comfort of your own home. You must
remember two important things if you are going to abandon yourself to
these (maybe a little deviant)
activities. First, use a condom if there is any danger of infection
and second, anything inserted in you should also be wearing a condom
no need for disinfecting, cleaning the object after and no doctor
visits, it’s as simple as that. Happy weird fucking!
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